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Graham Norton chosen as UN secretary-general

The television presenter and chat-show host Graham Norton has become the new secretary-general of the United Nations.

The appointment comes soon after the loquacious Irishman was chosen as the BBC’s new commentator for the Eurovision Song Contest, replacing Terry Wogan. Norton believes the two roles are closely linked – ‘the UN is probably seen as a natural accompaniment to Eurovision,’ he said. ‘After all, they both make a song and dance about things but neither can be taken very seriously.’

Norton made his inaugural address to the UN General Assembly in a fabulous gold lamé jacket. To warm applause he declared that the UN has an image problem deriving from ‘dreary colours’, and suggested the traditional blue of UN peacekeepers’ helmets should be replaced by ‘magenta, or perhaps tangerine’.

Although some commentators have expressed concern at Norton’s lack of diplomatic experience,  many believe his cheerfully camp banter and mild sexual innuendoes will be vital tools in resolving international conflicts.

Norton himself is certainly upbeat about the task ahead. ‘I’ve had frank, emotional conversations about relationship problems with the likes of Cher and Dido, so the Israeli-Palestinian thing shouldn’t be too hard,’ he said. ‘Let’s face it, there’s no dispute that can’t be solved by a good old chinwag.’ 

Journalists at Norton’s first press conference suggested his appointment reflects the elevation of celebrity above serious politics, but he soon won them over with some playful double-entendres. There were chuckles when he said the main quality he would bring to the role of secretary-general was ‘gaiety’, then uproarious laughter as he claimed the true reason for his appointment had to do with the furniture in the UN debating chamber: ‘The diplomats were fed up with those hard seats – they all asked for a nice little pouffe instead!’

Man convicted of attempting conversation at London bus stop

At Westminster Magistrates Court yesterday Dennis Dobbs, 62, was convicted of trying to trying to start a conversation with strangers at a London bus stop.

The judge said Dobbs had shown ‘flagrant disrespect for Londoners’ desire to minimise communication with people they don’t already know’, and fined him £3,000.

The court heard how Dobbs spread panic at a bus stop on Battersea Park Road in south London on the morning of November 20. According to one witness, at around 8.10am Dobbs ‘sauntered casually’ up to the bus stop and said ‘Bit chilly, isn’t it?’ to the people waiting there. The witness described Dobbs’ demeanour as ‘cheerful’, which increased the bystanders’ suspicions that he was mentally unstable. About thirty seconds later Dobbs made what appeared to be a second attempt to initiate conversation, this time saying ‘Looks like it might turn to snow’. At this point the bystanders divided into two groups – those who ‘pretended nothing was going on’ and stared intently into the middle distance, and those who ‘fought desperately to escape’ by boarding the number 345 bus that had just arrived.

Dobbs showed no remorse in court, claiming he was merely ‘trying to be friendly’ and saying he was unfamiliar with local manners as he lived in a small village in Yorkshire and had only come down to London to see his daughter. It emerged during the hearing, however, that Dobbs had two previous convictions from other visits to the capital.

In 2002 he was convicted of visual harassment after seeking eye contact with five different strangers on London underground trains. The case attracted widespread media attention at the time, with Dobbs labelled the ‘Goodge Street Glancer’ after the station where the incidents took place. He infamously claimed he thought the loudspeaker warning ‘Mind the Gap’ referred to ‘the gap between the carriage and the platform’ rather than the sacred personal space around each passenger – a defence that was predictably laughed out of court.

More recently, in September 2007, he was fined for repeatedly saying ‘Good morning!’ to joggers on the Thames towpath in Putney – behaviour so disconcerting that two of the joggers promptly fell in the river and almost drowned.